In making up for lost time, I seem to have completely begun to neglect this blog. Not that anyone reads it, as I've never posted the link anywhere. I believe I was too self-conscious in the past. Now, it has been decided - by me - that I take up not only this blog again, dusting off the single old post in all the frivolity that it was made, and starting anew with this one on top of it. My reasoning, you may ask?
So, an explanation of my reasons. Currently, I am living in a four person household - that used to be a five, until one member decided to go on an extended hiatus to Wyoming. This isn't really a problem, I grew up in a household of at least three if not four people in my later years, and never really was phased by the number, some of the people surely, but the number didn't bother me. The problem is that I have been without a job since last September. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since before then that has culminated in me sitting here now with a strange sense of nothingness and lethargy. My stepmother (commonly referred to as: The Step Monster and formerly "The Wicked Witch of the South" which shall no longer be used) is in Wyoming, which should bring a sense of relief. She left, because she didn't like our monetary situation, which has been difficult at best. I've been out of work since Sept.09, my father and stepmother have been in and out of work since 08, my best friend who moved into my house in late 08 has been in and out of work, and my grandmother cannot work. Just recently, my father's unemployment got cut off. We've lived on one income in the past - said unemployment - but now, we're living on my best friend's paycheck, and he makes less than my father did, and we were struggling then, so now...it's a question of "will we have food" "will we have power" "will we have a house" on top of the fact that my grandmother's health is failing. About a month ago, my mother came to visit, and I could have gone to live with her, but I didn't. If I had, I would be in a more stable environment, but with my stepfather's health not the greatest (He's had heart problems for a while now, and only a few years ago had a quintuple bypass) I wanted to stay here, where I currently am, to see if things would improve.
They have not.
Should I have taken that flying leap into the great unknown? Possibly, but I had my reasons to stay. I am not an easily adaptable person. I am shy at best, and moving somewhere where I have no established friends really, save my ex boyfriend, would have been difficult for me. My mother would have helped me get a job, a car, and I could have built a life out of that, but I would have had no friends, and no use for the money I would be making, as I feel awkward going out alone, and not having anyone to be with. Could I have? Certainly. Would I have survived? Definitely, and I may have made friends, but I felt better about staying then going.
I have also had offers from friends to move in with them. I would be moving from one state to another, which I wouldn't mind, but I don't currently have the funding, and neither do they. In essence, I am stuck here, in this tiny piece of waste that is a rural farming community, where I can walk for an hour and the only sign of civilization I come across aside from the quaint houses is a small community center, and a country church.
I have been forced to discontinue my schooling on more than one occasion, but my love for my path doesn't fade - except in that most of my will to draw has been sapped by my stress. I simply do not have the drive to sit about and do it. It feels like work, and this worries me. The only things I can really be motivated to do are talk to people on IM, and post in forum based role plays, and while my writing has improved, as I meet new, and interesting people, and I actually learn more about myself, I still know it could be better, if I had something I loved that I was being paid to do.
As for my worry, I don't wish to disclose anything at this time, because while I want to help the situation, I do not want to be drawn too deeply into it myself. I am vulnerable right now. I am not safe, and putting myself into more of a position of that sort is not wise. I can only hope that I can be of some assistance, however minor.
This is my new design.
This is where I express myself, become myself, engage myself.
I am human.
I am female one moment, and male the next, and then in an instant I am nothing but fluidity. Physically, you will always see a girl staring at you, but it is my mentality that defines me, and even that is transient and wavering.
I am not interested in the physical parts of your being, but the mental and emotional manifestation that is your personal soul.
I am an energy feeder and an empath.
I am still learning.
I am strongest when I am pushed at my weakest point, and weakest when approached at the peak of my strength.
You cannot have my soul, because it still belongs to someone else. I've been too lazy to get it back.
You cannot frighten me, for I have seen your horror reflected in your eyes.
- My life isn't in the greatest place, and my phone is shut off. Having the blog, even while no one will read it more than likely, will serve as a place to vent my frustrations, and it will allow me to write more than I do on a general basis.
- It will hopefully make my Role Playing a lot easier, as I will be writing more often, and therefore be more motivated to write posts.
- Keeping up with my own blog will allow me to keep up with the blogs of other people, some of whom I am worried about currently, even if my worry isn't appreciated.
- I figure it's something, at least.
So, an explanation of my reasons. Currently, I am living in a four person household - that used to be a five, until one member decided to go on an extended hiatus to Wyoming. This isn't really a problem, I grew up in a household of at least three if not four people in my later years, and never really was phased by the number, some of the people surely, but the number didn't bother me. The problem is that I have been without a job since last September. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since before then that has culminated in me sitting here now with a strange sense of nothingness and lethargy. My stepmother (commonly referred to as: The Step Monster and formerly "The Wicked Witch of the South" which shall no longer be used) is in Wyoming, which should bring a sense of relief. She left, because she didn't like our monetary situation, which has been difficult at best. I've been out of work since Sept.09, my father and stepmother have been in and out of work since 08, my best friend who moved into my house in late 08 has been in and out of work, and my grandmother cannot work. Just recently, my father's unemployment got cut off. We've lived on one income in the past - said unemployment - but now, we're living on my best friend's paycheck, and he makes less than my father did, and we were struggling then, so now...it's a question of "will we have food" "will we have power" "will we have a house" on top of the fact that my grandmother's health is failing. About a month ago, my mother came to visit, and I could have gone to live with her, but I didn't. If I had, I would be in a more stable environment, but with my stepfather's health not the greatest (He's had heart problems for a while now, and only a few years ago had a quintuple bypass) I wanted to stay here, where I currently am, to see if things would improve.
They have not.
Should I have taken that flying leap into the great unknown? Possibly, but I had my reasons to stay. I am not an easily adaptable person. I am shy at best, and moving somewhere where I have no established friends really, save my ex boyfriend, would have been difficult for me. My mother would have helped me get a job, a car, and I could have built a life out of that, but I would have had no friends, and no use for the money I would be making, as I feel awkward going out alone, and not having anyone to be with. Could I have? Certainly. Would I have survived? Definitely, and I may have made friends, but I felt better about staying then going.
I have also had offers from friends to move in with them. I would be moving from one state to another, which I wouldn't mind, but I don't currently have the funding, and neither do they. In essence, I am stuck here, in this tiny piece of waste that is a rural farming community, where I can walk for an hour and the only sign of civilization I come across aside from the quaint houses is a small community center, and a country church.
I have been forced to discontinue my schooling on more than one occasion, but my love for my path doesn't fade - except in that most of my will to draw has been sapped by my stress. I simply do not have the drive to sit about and do it. It feels like work, and this worries me. The only things I can really be motivated to do are talk to people on IM, and post in forum based role plays, and while my writing has improved, as I meet new, and interesting people, and I actually learn more about myself, I still know it could be better, if I had something I loved that I was being paid to do.
As for my worry, I don't wish to disclose anything at this time, because while I want to help the situation, I do not want to be drawn too deeply into it myself. I am vulnerable right now. I am not safe, and putting myself into more of a position of that sort is not wise. I can only hope that I can be of some assistance, however minor.
This is my new design.
This is where I express myself, become myself, engage myself.
I am human.
I am female one moment, and male the next, and then in an instant I am nothing but fluidity. Physically, you will always see a girl staring at you, but it is my mentality that defines me, and even that is transient and wavering.
I am not interested in the physical parts of your being, but the mental and emotional manifestation that is your personal soul.
I am an energy feeder and an empath.
I am still learning.
I am strongest when I am pushed at my weakest point, and weakest when approached at the peak of my strength.
You cannot have my soul, because it still belongs to someone else. I've been too lazy to get it back.
You cannot frighten me, for I have seen your horror reflected in your eyes.
