I read a Book

So, I read this really good book recently (as in, within the past two days) and I wanted to do a review of it. Then I thought about it, and I really, really don't want to spoil it. So, I'll just say this:

The book in question (The Black Tattoo by Sam Enthoven) was amazing. It was thought provoking, a bit creepy in places, and thoroughly enjoyable. I was left with a few questions, though.

Just thought anyone reading this should know...

Sorcerer's Apprentice and A Very Potter Sequel are both amazing.

Lucius Malfoy should dump that skank Narcissa and have meee.

That is all.

Lots and Lots

Things have been weird, bloggers who read this, but I'm not going to get into that today. No, as much as I would like to recount certain things, I'm going to do one thing. Promote some awesome.

WHAT!? PROMOTING!? THIS IS MADNESS!

No. This is my blog, and I will promote what I choose.

Today, I choose to promote my friend Evan.

Evan has a band, Krimson Enigma. They're kinda in their "Garage" phase still, along with the fact that I think the only current / permanent member at this time is him. Now, that being said, he's doing a contest. The whole premise of the contest is that they were given fairly raw stems of new Linkin Park, from the upcoming Album, and told to do their own mix of it. Evan's.....let's just say it is epic win in a hand grenade thrown into your ear and exploding your mind. Now, if he wins, his version will be featured on the Album, as a bonus track, which is amazing, because that will really help him when it comes to Krimson Enigma as well, plus, it's just a generally grand opportunity for him. I graduated with this guy, went to school with him for nearly all my school career, and can genuinely say he deserves this.

So, here's the link to his contest entry: http://www.indabamusic.com/submissions/show/22140

And here's a link to his band's myspace, because I have to promote that too, while I'm at it: http://www.myspace.com/krimsonenigma

So, show some love!

Failspace

So, I'm sorry to those of you who read this and were expecting me to post yesterday and the day before. I had things in life that just wanted to take over. Now, I will try and do better this week, particularly with having something up for Fiction Friday. As it stood this past Friday, I had RP stuff to catch up on (still do) and other things distracting me from the best laid plans.

Today started out a good day. I woke up feeling refreshed, decently pleasant aside from having to dishes only five minutes after waking, and actually, rather excited. Why? I have no idea, but I did. The point being, it was a good thing to wake up to. I busied myself with checking things out on the internet, as yesterday was full of internet failure, and reminded myself that I did, in fact, want to update this blog today, even if it was just a short: HELLO, WORLD! HOW'S THE WIFE AND KIDS?

In fact, I'm still experiencing minor internet fail today, but it is survivable.

No, today's happy mood was ruined, however.

On the eighth, my best friend, who lives at our house was supposed to get his first paycheck. He makes $8.50 an hour, which is above our current minimum wage. The only issue with him picking up his check? Whoever wrote it out was careless, and made him work for slave labor - a mere $0.50 an hour. So, his check was short a whole ($8.00 x Number of Hours). I don't know how much that was, so I can't give you a hard figure, but...it gets worse. Normally, at most places around here, they print their checks up at the location, so it's a simple matter. This place (and no, it's not Wal*Mart or something) had to send his check to New York. He's supposed to get it tonight, finally. They did compensate him like $31, which was his shift differential, or something like that, but the point being - they messed up his check.

Now, beyond this, one might not be certain of anything, except I got a lecture today - from him, about my life. Why? Because his is oh so easily put together, and mine is currently in shambles. Not that this is new. He's almost constantly trying to give me advice, and it can be very irritating to me, when I just want to point out that he doesn't know how hard it is because he has not been there. Why is my life in shambles?

I got a full ride scholarship to college.

They cut it in half.

I pondered dropping out before school began.

Family and Friends wouldn't let me.

I was told by certain people not to worry, they would get me money.

I worried anyway.

I was denied for loans.

I got a student credit card for school, so I could have emergency money / buy art supplies.

The $800 limit was used on: Art Supplies. Food. Food for my parents. A loan payment for my parents.

I kept up my payments.

At the end of the Fall Semester I owed the school $3710.

I was forced to leave school, because of lack of funding.

I was forced to stop paying my credit card due to no job.

Got a job, began paying on Credit Card again.

September 2009 - Put "on call" at work. Stopped pulling in Paycheck. Stopped paying Credit Card.

Creditors Start Calling.

Dec. 2009 - I TURN 20 (note I'm nearly over 10k in debt at age 19.)

Jan. 2010 - Laptop is Repossessed due to inability to scrimp, save, and sell off items to continue laptop payments.

Also Jan. 2010 - Begin Taking Online Courses for Graphic Design through Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Online Division.

Classes are funded entirely by loans.

Still no job.

Creditors Keep Calling / Sending Letters.

Stress gets to me. I nearly fail first drawing class at A.I.

May 2010 - Due to a miss-communication, my enrollment at A.I. is terminated, and they refuse to rectify the matter.

They give me the option of coming back in July, giving me just over a month off.

May 25th, 2010 - payment is due to creditor on Credit Card Debt. I have NOT AUTHORIZED anything about this.

I do not receive letter about the situation until late June / Early July because my father didn't give it to me.

June 2010 - Friend gets job, I ponder going back to A.I., father's unemployment gets cut.

I rationalize that going back to school isn't reasonable at this time due to monetary status.

My father rationalizes that I cannot afford not to go back.

Possibility of losing family home looms over head.

Grandmother's health begins acting up.

Gay best friend who is supporting us begins to nag me about a job.

The prospects of me getting a job are not very good. I have back issues, so a lot of lifting would get to my health. Working with kids doesn't bother me because I enjoy it and I can ignore the pain. Working in retail wouldn't be good because I would either know nothing about the products, or dislike a majority of the clientele based on juvenile past differences that they would likely not throw away, and I would dislike staring at them and trying to be polite. Fast food is out of the question because if I'm in the back, cooking, I will get migraines from the heat, and be unable to tolerate the work. I'm afraid of answering phones, and have a healthy fear of strangers as well. Not only that, I do not drive. I have never had a driver's license, and between procuring me a license and car, in case my father got a job, plus gas and insurance for the car, and my current debt, it's just not happening.

If I had a job, my paycheck would go to the following:

1. Paying off the credit card debt (now totaling $1,277.94 at last notification)

2. Paying off school debt to first college. (Now totaling $4973.33)

3. Pay off loans to the banks from A.I. (total unknown)

4. Get Cell Phone turned back on / pay my part of cell bill (I'm guessing between $75 and $125 a month)

5. Get new laptop. (My last laptop was $141.45 or so a month. Not sure on the change bit. Estimate about that)

6. Sundry items for myself (razor blades, shampoo, deodorant, etc., which I have mostly bought myself since college)

7. New Clothes When Needed (which I currently need new pajamas)


Current Minimum wage here is $7.25. If I work a 40 hour week, at minimum wage, that's about $290.00 in one week. I think I did my math right). That's $1160.00 a month.... and quite frankly, for all my debt, that's not a lot. So, in my eyes, I don't see work being feasible. On top of all that, put in Art Supplies if I go back to school (which can cost upward of $300 to get everything on a college supply list, in one sitting), and it's really not manageable at all.

So, being nagged about needing a job didn't help much today. I think I'll end this rant here, though.

Magic and Myth and Exploration

Those of you who know me in real life will know I was raised in Christianity. Those of you who don't, I shall enlighten a little further.

My childhood was spent in Christian Churches - predominantly Southern Baptist. I was there - in a dress, to my dismay - most every Sunday, my grandfather (and sometimes my father) sang in the Choir, and I sang from the pew where I sat between my mother and grandmother, and read from my pink covered Bible, chewed gum quietly, tried not to kick my feet, and waited for it to all be over. As I grew, very little changed, except the venue, the loss of my dresses on most occasions, and the addition of Youth Activities like AWANAS. In fifth grade, I was sent to Christian School, where I went from having basic knowledge to a delving mind that picked apart everything, and knew more about the Bible and interpretation than some pastors I knew. By my freshman year of High School, I was practically teaching my Youth Group, and correcting my pastor and Christians much older than me.

That wasn't the only thing, though. Several of my Youth Leaders praised my Biblical Knowledge...only two were aware of the other aspects of my mind. Everyone knew I liked art, and took joy in strange things, but I kept some things fairly secret - namely some of my dreams. There are many people who feel Deja Vu because they actually have experienced something similar before. Similar, but not the exact same thing. Then, there are people that experience Deja Vu because they've witnessed the event before, but not physically. I'm talking about people who dream of something before it happens - precognitive people. I am one of those people. It is a rare occurrence. I can count on one hand the number of times I can remember this happening, and two in particular stand out. The first was a few months before I switched schools. I had a dream about an English lesson. The only person in my dream that I recognized - aside from myself, as these dreams seem to have a habit of changing perspective, so that I am observing myself at one point and then looking through the eyes of my dream self the next. December of the following school year, we had that English lesson, word for word, to the letter. These dreams have reached the point of accuracy that I say "Deja Vu" or "Woah, Deja Vu" or anything of the like in my dream, and find myself unable to say it differently in real life when the event actually occurs.

My other dreams are even more disturbing - not that my premonitions are, as they're largely trivial, and often involve me moving, basically (in other words, they aren't of me actually moving, or a major change, but an event that occurs afterwards, which couldn't occur otherwise). The other dreams I have involve death. Again, I can count the number of times I can remember having the dream on one hand, really. It is a recurring dream, lasting about a week. I count each span of time as one dream, though, as each night it gets longer, more in depth, like starting a movie, watching part of it, and restarting it the next night and watching more. These dreams don't show me who will die, but always lead up to me finding out about someone's death. The stars of this dream are myself and a little ghost girl. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about her. She's almost like a benevolent spirit corrupted.

The first time I had the dream, I was five. My grandfather had been ill for quite some time, and was in and out of the hospital. The week leading up to his death, I had this dream, and while the details are a little murky after fifteen years, I remember enough. The landscape was beautiful. It had to be something of my own design - a large Victorian house, covered in green ivy, lush gardens that seemed to stretch on for miles, roses, beautiful trees, a fountain - it was gorgeous. The ghost girl was always there - always waiting - and we would play. It was a simple child's dream, one would think, but for it to recur, and then for him to die straight after....

Skip ahead a few years. Four deaths I can remember were heralded by the dream - the death of Cathy, my Youth Leader, Sarah, one of my best friends from the Christian School, my Great Great Aunt (grandmother's mother's sister) Gertie (the woman who helped my mother through her delivery, because my dad was working) and one of Gertie's other sisters that I had never met. The one that jarred me the most was Sarah. She was only sixteen, and healthy - I hadn't seen her since I had transferred back to public school - and then I got a call from my choir director that she was dead. To this day, I don't think I have ever fully come to terms with the event. The setting...was similar. It was the same house, but it looked so decrepit. The paint was peeling, the vines long since dead, the pathways cracking, missing stones. The fountain as at the edge of a cliff now, where the rest of the land had fallen away. Only the ghost girl remained the same - physically at least, if you can call a ghost child in a dream a physical entity. Mentally however, she is very, very different. She's angry at me. She would shout about how we couldn't play anymore, how I left her there with no one and how now I'm too old...and then she tried to kill me. I can vividly remember one of the dreams events - the ways I nearly died - and I am baffled with the way the place works, to be honest. Never before had I gone into the house, but with the ghost girl chasing me, I had nowhere else to go. Inside, the floor was rotting, and I fell, down into a crypt - which, having never been into the house, I didn't know existed. She chased me through the crypt, which somehow came up into the fountain, and I climbed up and out, only to face her again. She charged at me with a knife, I raced to the edge of the cliff, and fell, holding onto the edge, pleading with her to not kill me, begging that she was wrong. And then I woke up for the final night of the dream.

Other than those dreams, I have never seen this ghost girl. I've had other paranormal experiences, some involving spirits, some involving strange events in my real life (like receiving a pagan wand for my 18th birthday) or unintentionally doing a spell (mostly things like binding emotions to poetry, and things like that). With all these things in my life, one would wonder why I have not turned away from Christianity, and the answer is this. It just feels right. There is something about Christianity that brings me a strange comfort to my mind and soul. However, I have also feel more and more drawn to certain aspects of Paganism, because for everything within Christianity that feels right, there is something that feels wrong. Organized Christianity is filled with Hypocrisy, and this is not to say I am perfect, and do not have my own moments of it, but I do my best not to. If the mouth says one thing, the hand shouldn't go and do the opposite. From the mouth of Christians come words of Love and Acceptance, and then their hands slam doors in the faces of those they deem "sinners".

All have sinned.

Christians, do I need to remind you of one of the most quoted scriptures that you consider Holy? Romans 3:23. No one is prefect, we all sin, but guess what. John 3:16.

...That whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

You're going to sin. It's going to happen. Don't look down on someone just because you think they're sinning more, or are on the wrong path. Love them, and show no hate.

I believe I was given certain gifts.

I believe that yes, I do have dreams that show changes in my life. I'm not sure what the purpose is, but they are there. I believe I have dreams that lead up to someone's death. Again, not sure why, but they are there.

I believe I am an empath. I am more than generally empathetic, and can pick up on emotions from people like crazy. This, I can definitely use.

So, I've started learning energy manipulation, shielding, and little things like that. If I had more freedom, I would begin studying other things as well, but the point is this:

I have been called to serve God the father, who is depicted by the Christian faith. I am loyal to Him, believe in Him, and in Heaven, Hell, and that he sent his son Jesus Christ to die for our sins. To I believe that the Christian Bible is complete? No. It was canonized by the Roman Catholics ages ago with the invention of the printing press, in an effort to control the public's knowledge. Also, it has been around for ages, which leads to loss of material, mistranslation, and other such things. It may have been God-Inspired, but as we can see by the Earth around us, Man fucks shit up, and he fucks it up bad. Despite what Man has done, the Deity in question is not to blame.

I have also been called on a path that explores Magic (or Magick if you prefer). There have been too many people and events placed in my path to deny this path, That being said, you may very well see several references to things of this nature in this blog.

While I realize the title says Myth, and I had a place for it here, I've been long winded enough for one evening. Until next time, if anyone is reading.

Lost Time

In making up for lost time, I seem to have completely begun to neglect this blog. Not that anyone reads it, as I've never posted the link anywhere. I believe I was too self-conscious in the past. Now, it has been decided - by me - that I take up not only this blog again, dusting off the single old post in all the frivolity that it was made, and starting anew with this one on top of it. My reasoning, you may ask?

1. My life isn't in the greatest place, and my phone is shut off. Having the blog, even while no one will read it more than likely, will serve as a place to vent my frustrations, and it will allow me to write more than I do on a general basis.
2. It will hopefully make my Role Playing a lot easier, as I will be writing more often, and therefore be more motivated to write posts.
3. Keeping up with my own blog will allow me to keep up with the blogs of other people, some of whom I am worried about currently, even if my worry isn't appreciated.
4. I figure it's something, at least.

So, an explanation of my reasons. Currently, I am living in a four person household - that used to be a five, until one member decided to go on an extended hiatus to Wyoming. This isn't really a problem, I grew up in a household of at least three if not four people in my later years, and never really was phased by the number, some of the people surely, but the number didn't bother me. The problem is that I have been without a job since last September. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since before then that has culminated in me sitting here now with a strange sense of nothingness and lethargy. My stepmother (commonly referred to as: The Step Monster and formerly "The Wicked Witch of the South" which shall no longer be used) is in Wyoming, which should bring a sense of relief. She left, because she didn't like our monetary situation, which has been difficult at best. I've been out of work since Sept.09, my father and stepmother have been in and out of work since 08, my best friend who moved into my house in late 08 has been in and out of work, and my grandmother cannot work. Just recently, my father's unemployment got cut off. We've lived on one income in the past - said unemployment - but now, we're living on my best friend's paycheck, and he makes less than my father did, and we were struggling then, so now...it's a question of "will we have food" "will we have power" "will we have a house" on top of the fact that my grandmother's health is failing. About a month ago, my mother came to visit, and I could have gone to live with her, but I didn't. If I had, I would be in a more stable environment, but with my stepfather's health not the greatest (He's had heart problems for a while now, and only a few years ago had a quintuple bypass) I wanted to stay here, where I currently am, to see if things would improve.

They have not.

Should I have taken that flying leap into the great unknown? Possibly, but I had my reasons to stay. I am not an easily adaptable person. I am shy at best, and moving somewhere where I have no established friends really, save my ex boyfriend, would have been difficult for me. My mother would have helped me get a job, a car, and I could have built a life out of that, but I would have had no friends, and no use for the money I would be making, as I feel awkward going out alone, and not having anyone to be with. Could I have? Certainly. Would I have survived? Definitely, and I may have made friends, but I felt better about staying then going.

I have also had offers from friends to move in with them. I would be moving from one state to another, which I wouldn't mind, but I don't currently have the funding, and neither do they. In essence, I am stuck here, in this tiny piece of waste that is a rural farming community, where I can walk for an hour and the only sign of civilization I come across aside from the quaint houses is a small community center, and a country church.

I have been forced to discontinue my schooling on more than one occasion, but my love for my path doesn't fade - except in that most of my will to draw has been sapped by my stress. I simply do not have the drive to sit about and do it. It feels like work, and this worries me. The only things I can really be motivated to do are talk to people on IM, and post in forum based role plays, and while my writing has improved, as I meet new, and interesting people, and I actually learn more about myself, I still know it could be better, if I had something I loved that I was being paid to do.

As for my worry, I don't wish to disclose anything at this time, because while I want to help the situation, I do not want to be drawn too deeply into it myself. I am vulnerable right now. I am not safe, and putting myself into more of a position of that sort is not wise. I can only hope that I can be of some assistance, however minor.

This is my new design.

This is where I express myself, become myself, engage myself.

I am human.

I am female one moment, and male the next, and then in an instant I am nothing but fluidity. Physically, you will always see a girl staring at you, but it is my mentality that defines me, and even that is transient and wavering.

I am not interested in the physical parts of your being, but the mental and emotional manifestation that is your personal soul.

I am an energy feeder and an empath.

I am still learning.

I am strongest when I am pushed at my weakest point, and weakest when approached at the peak of my strength.

You cannot have my soul, because it still belongs to someone else. I've been too lazy to get it back.

You cannot frighten me, for I have seen your horror reflected in your eyes.

The First

Greetings, dolls and faces, and welcome to this, my happy corner of the internet, well, I say happy, but I'm not exactly sure of that. I am, as you will come to find, an artist, a dreamer, and a bit on the insane side. I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to things I am a fan of, and will remain that way. I've been harboring an addiction to anime, manga, fantasy, and Jhonen Vasquez for years now, as well as a fascination with role-playing on forums. If I think about it, and have the time and the gumption, I might give you all an introduction to some of my more interesting characters, and the sites which I portray them on, or even still, glimpses into my mind.

I'm a fan of many things, and am working on creating things that hopefully people will become fans of. My most recent idea is very fantastical, bringing in elements from mythologies, religions, and fantasy. The realm of the Apocalypse, and the cause of it, is my focus, and the primary characters are The Fate, Morta, a Fairie, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and a currently unnamed evil being whose nature might seem a little cliché but with the rest of the story being basically anti-cliché I don't feel so bad about it, I suppose.

Has this piqued your interest, dear readers? I shan't divulge more at this time, but let's just say I have some interesting ideas in mind for Morta and the rest of the crew I bring into this world. On another note, however, Halloween was recently, and I experienced epicness on a grand scale. I met a most wonderful person, who lives about five hours north of Hell, and instead of having a boring night at home, or even a Hellish night at a club, I spent the evening being a social butterfly, and finding out that a friend of mine hadn't sent me a terrible text to end our friendship after all. Of course, my evening of fun and frivolity is normal, when it comes to attending that club, as it beings out the socialite in me. I'm not much for social situations, as was shown when I initially spoke to the most awesome person I met, with my bumbling speech, and constant fidgeting, but I managed to not only make contact, but create a very wonderful friendship with the man.

Of course, he was back down here, in Hell this past weekend, but the evils of not having a job, and my friend not getting a paycheck until Thursday brought about the terror of no funding to travel the hours drive to and fro to see him while he was near, so I've that to frown upon, along with the insufferable amount of confusion that is seeping off the boy who I've tried so desperately to break up with, but he just won't understand, or see reason. I am not one to commune with idiots on a daily basis, and yet I find myself tied to one. I hate it. I need intelligence and conversation, and....something other than the redneck incarnation of Ozzy Osbourne.

And I find myself rambling. I believe I shall end this little tirade before it gets too far out of hand, but darlings, I shall grace this with more soon, I assure you. Loves.